Not Exactly What I Had Planned

Monday turned out to be a crazy day, even though your Dad and I weren't planning on it. Your Dad had the day off so we had scheduled an appointment to go up to the Air Force base in Salt Lake and get my military ID. On our way up we got an email from the recruiter that has been helping Dad get signed up. Attached to the email was dates for his BMT (Basic Military Training, more commonly known as Boot Camp) and Tech School (training for his specific job). The iPhone wouldn't pull up the attachment because it didn't recognize the type of file. So after out appointment (your Mom and her placenta brain forgot their marriage license so we didn't even get the ID done for me!) we walked over to Kelly's office to pull up the email and print off the dates. We were hoping that since there wasn't a tech school available until next year the Air Force would let your Dad split up his BMT and Tech School. When we pulled up the e-mail we realized that they had opened up more tech schools which means they won't let him split and he has to do them together.

Your Dad and I were faced with two choices. Neither of which were easy to make. Kind of a lesser or 2 evils kind of thing. Option one is your Dad leaving this summer just after you are born and he will be gone for 4-5 months. The other option is for him to leave now and get back just after you are born. See what I mean by neither decision is an easy one? I told your Dad that I would support him no matter which choice he made. We decided to list the pros and cons for him leaving right now. Here is what we came up with:

Pros:
- He would do BMT in the spring instead of the dead of summer (BMT is in Texas) which would only make the physical job harder
- By the time you are born he would be in the last phase of tech school which means a lot more freedom. During BMT we only get one phone call in 9 weeks. With tech school he will be basically learning from 9-5 then will have his cell phone, his own room, etc. to be able to call us and video chat with his handsome little man and lovely wife!
- While he is gone the insurance switches to TriCare Prime which is for active duty (while he is gone he is considered active duty). The importance of this means that delivering you is 100% covered! You would be a freebie!
- While your Dad is gone he would make about the same amount he is working every month but on top of that our housing is paid for while he is away. It would help a lot especially with me being out of work.
- I don't know how I feel about being basically a single mom for 4-5 months. At least if he left earlier he would only be gone for 4ish weeks after you are born. Four weeks sounds much better than 4-5 months.

Cons:
- He is gone during this pregnancy. As we all know, it's been a little rough when it comes to my back and being sick with a cold, flu, headache, or some sort of infection all the time.
- He will miss the delivery of not only his first born but of his first son. And his first few weeks.

So little man, as you can see, even though it is a tough decision and not one is easy, we had to make the best one for our family. And that is to have your Dad leave earlier. I can't even describe to you how much it breaks my heart to even think about it. I'm actually tearing up as I type this (And as you kick the crap out of my tummy. You must be a little sad too).

I have had this picture of what delivering a baby of my own would be like. I would be pushing so hard and your Dad at my head helping me to stay calm and wipe the sweat from my forehead. I imagined them laying you across my chest and your Dad and I immediately crying because we were so happy to meet you. I imagined him kissing me as they pulled you away to weigh you and put on a diaper. I imagined them handing you back to me and I look up at your Dad knowing that our lives had just forever changed and in that instant, we would realize we weren't just a family of 2 anymore. Can you tell that I have though a lot about this moment? Well bud, on Monday I had to come to terms that this wasn't going to happen how I had planned all along at all. I realize now that things are going to look a lot different. Your Dad is going to be in another state. As hard as it is I am so proud of your Dad. I'm not mad at all. I know he is doing what he needs to do not just for our family, but for our country, and that is something to be proud of. My heart breaks knowing that he won't be there to see your first breath. He won't be there to see what I will go through to bring you into this world. He won't be there during your first bath. He won't be there to carry you into our home for the first time. He won't be there in the middle of the night to help me at home when you cry for your first few weeks. There are about a hundred things that break my heart knowing in won't be there for but you know what? There are a billion more things I know he will be there for for the rest of your life. He will be at every baseball game, school concert, father and sons outing, and primary program. I know he will put a bandaid on every scraped knee, kiss every tear away, and visit every park with you within miles of wherever it is we live. He will be there whenever you need him, and even when you think you don't. I know he will be your friend, support system, confidant, counselor, and partner in crime. He is such an incredible brother, son, friend, and husband and I know he will fill the role of Dad with just as much passion and care.

We aren't for sure on the dates he will be leaving but for right now it is looking like he will leaving middle of February and be back at the end of June. I am finding myself trying to be tough and strong because I know it hurts your Dad to see me sad. And the rational side of me knows this is best but the emotion side of me just wants to curl up in bed and cry for a little while. Aside from right now the only time I cried was in Chick-fil-et after we left the base on Monday. Your poor Dad. One second I'm enjoying my chicken nuggets and the next I am reaching for our stack of napkins trying to wipe all the mascara that was running down my cheeks. I was inconsolable for a few minutes, took a deep breath, wiped my tears away, blew my nose, and finished my lunch. Since then I've tried to be strong for me and your Dad. I can tell he is doing the same. Since we've found out though I can tell out dynamic has changed. We've realized that we are working against a date that is going to come faster than we can believe. I'll be making lots more special meals over the next couple weeks, he has been much more cuddly and treating me even more like a princess than he already does, and he is paying even more attention to you than normal. The past 2 nights he has rolled over just before he's completely asleep, put his hand on my belly to feel you kick, and then falls asleep. It's not always the most comfortable position for me to sleep in but I don't have the desire or the heart to move. He sure loves us bud. We are lucky to have him to take care of us.

I know this post is a little bit long and contains a whole lot of emotion but I want you to know about this time in our lives. It's not going to be easy, but it will be worth it.