To My Sweet Nick:

To my sweet Nick:

I love you. I absolutely love you. And I'm absolutely heartbroken that you're gone. but lets not dwell on the negative. This letter is to tell you how incredibly blessed I feel to call you mine.

I love the husband you are to me. And I love that I get to be your wife. I love that I can talk to you about absolutely anything and know that you'll listen to me, support me, and help me with whatever is on my mind. I love when we make dinner together and sneak kisses every so often. I love how housework isn't above you and you help me out every single day. Taking care of our house, the bills, our son, the meals, and anything else is a team effort, and I love that. We are a team. We are in this together, no matter what. I never knew that a marriage could be like this. I knew it'd take work, and it has, but I had no idea I could love someone more and more every day. When I see your name on my caller ID I still get butterflies. I think that's a pretty darn good sign. I love how safe I feel in your arms. I know I'll always be loved and taken care of, as long as I have you. I don't know what I did to deserve you Nick, but I am so grateful for you. Every. Single. Day. And I never want you to forget how lucky I feel to have you. I want you to always know how crazy your wife is over you (and maybe a little plain old crazy too I guess haha). I want you to know that you always have someone here for you to love and support you right back, no matter what. You, my Nick, are incredible.

You are such an incredible Dad. You didn't have the opportunity to bond with our little guy the first two months of his life. But the second you were reunited with him in July, I never would have guessed. You immediately jumped right into your role as a Daddy. You can get him to laugh in a way that no one else can, he completely lights up the second he hears your face and sees your voice, and he nuzzles right into your chest when you pick him up. I know it melts your heart, and it makes my heart so happy to see.

Thank you for the sacrifice you are making for our family. This time around is a lot harder than we ever expected it to be but I know, just like last time, that this will make us a stronger family than we were before. It amazes me how we can be so far apart but still be such a support to each other. I look forward to your phone calls every night and our face-time dates just before bed. Something about talking to you and seeing your face before I fall asleep just makes everything okay. Saying goodbye is never easy but like the quote I found says, "How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard." This resonates with me. I AM lucky. Actually, I am blessed. I couldn't have asked for a better man to have by my side, maybe not in person for right now, but always in spirit.

I love you with all my heart Nicky Wayne. I miss you so much. Talk to you soon love.

xoxo- your wife

What I've Learned

Well, in one day I will have been a Mom for 4 months to the sweetest boy I could have ever imagined. Here's a few things I've learned thus far:

- Being a Mom is awesome. Way more awesome than I thought it would be. I'd heard how 'rewarding' people thought motherhood was but I heard a whole lot more about how hard it would be, how my life would never be the same, how I needed to kiss my life as I know it goodbye, blah blah blah. But what I didn't hear enough of is how motherhood is complete bliss. I want my friends that are expecting babies to know that. I know, it's so scary to realize you have a little person that is going to completely dependent on you but really, it is all worth it. My little Hudson needs me. He needs me for food. He needs me to make him laugh. He needs me to get him snuggled and ready for bed. He needs me when he's sad and wants to feel better. And you know what? I need him right back. It's pretty dang hard to have a bad day when I wake him up in the morning and he gives me a huge open mouth grin.  I live for his little guy now, morning and night, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

- Being a mom is dang hard too. I wouldn't say that it is the hardest thing I've ever done necessarily, but it's definitely work. Constant entertainment to keep the baby distracted from fussing is hard work. Keeping track of feeds, diapers, medicine and nap times is hard work. Rocking a 14 lb baby (I know, he's only going to get bigger!) to sleep while he is fighting me is hard work. But, it is by far the most rewarding work I've ever done.

- Baby poop stains. Suuuper bad.

- Part of me misses Hudson being his tiny little peanut self. And the other part of me loves to watch him grow and learn new things. I just wanted him to stay little forever when he was first born but the more time I spend with him watching him grow and develop his little personality, the more excited I am for what is to come.

- Don't listen to everyone's advice. What works for someones baby might not work for yours. I remember being told 'you're the Mom and you'll know what your baby needs'. I totally thought that was a load of crap. I've never done this before! How am I just instinctively going to know what my baby needs?? But seriously, it's so true. I know my Hudson better than anyone else. When he would fuss some people would say he was definitely hungry so I would feed him. Not because I thought he was hungry, but because I felt that surely my instincts must be wrong because these women have kids of their own already. What do I know?! Those extra feeds, which I know now, were filling his little tummy up too much and making his bad acid reflux even worse. I know those lovely ladies were just giving me the advice they thought was best but I wish I'd followed my instincts sooner.

- There is a reason God made it so we all have a Mom and a Dad. I can say this because of two reasons. One, because I placed my little girl for that exact reason. She deserved two parents from the get-go. I know I would have been the best Mom I could have been for her, but I didn't want to have to be the best Dad too. The other reason I'm sure of this is because of the time Nick has been away since Hudson was born. He was here for a week, left for two months, has been home for two months, and leaves again for two more months next week. I feel like I've been the best Mom I could be for Hudson. He didn't really have a chance to get to know his Dad when he was first born so he and I bonded and have been so close. He needs me. But the second I saw him with Nick in Texas it made me realize how much he needs his Dad. There is just something about the immediate bond those two have had that is amazing to see. It's like Nick was never gone. Hudson and I are home during the day while Nick is at work. Hudson will be lounging in the living room with me and the second he sees his Dad after work he completely lights up! Big smile, giggles, and all. It melts my heart to watch and I know it completely melts Nick's too.

- For me, not taking the advice of always-sleep-while-the-baby-sleeps has been good for me. Hudson has always been a great night time sleeper. I'm sure that if he hadn't been I'd be preaching the opposite right now. But his naps are when I have been able to catch up on my 'me' time. Like right now. My me time doesn't always include something fun like blogging or sewing. A lot of the time it's cleaning and laundry but hey, getting it all done while he sleeps means two things. It means it actually gets done much quicker and it also means I don't have to be distracted when he is awake. I can just play and giggle with him and not leave him on the couch while I run around the house getting stuff done. This brings me to my next point.

- I know that I am never going to get this time back with my little Hudson. I'm definitely not perfect, and I know I'll make mistakes, but I am really trying to not be a distracted mother. I don't want my kids to ever think that a clean house is more important to me than playing with them. I don't want them to think I'd rather be on the computer than reading them a book. I want them to know that they are my number one priority and that I'll drop anything for them. A quote that's really resonated with me is "Motherhood is not a hobby. It is a calling. It is not something to do if you can squeeze the time in. It is what God gave you time for." How true that is.

-I don't need as much sleep as I always thought I did.

- Love your husband. Mine has dealt with a lot. Hormones, distance, lack of sleep, working ... the list goes on. (I've got a post coming next week all about my sweet Nick) Being a Dad is hard work too. Women are blessed with the gift of nurture and love. For most guys I feel like it's something that takes a little more work. But for Nick, he has been wonderful. He's a diaper changing, baby soothing, entertaining, laundry doing, dish washing, and encouraging Dad. Honestly, I couldn't have asked for better. I'm one lucky gal.

-Last but not least, I've really come to appreciate and embrace the gospel. I'm so incredibly grateful for my knowledge of eternal families and what that means to me personally. It's helping me to be a better mother and given me guidelines and goals to work towards with my little family. I am so grateful for the perspective it's given me on how important my role as a mother is. It's given me more self confidence and self worth in who I am and the work that I am doing. It is still amazing to me that God has trusted me with such a sweet spirit to raise and teach the best that I can. There's a conference talk titled "Because She Is A Mother" by Elder Holland. In it it says
"It is clear that some of those Rhode Island-sized shadows come not just from diapers and carpooling but from at least a few sleepless nights spent searching the soul, seeking earnestly for the capacity to raise these children to be what God wants them to be. Moved by that kind of devotion and determination, may I say to mothers collectively, in the name of the Lord, you are magnificent. You are doing terrifically well, The very fact that you have been given such a responsibility is everlasting evidence of the trust your Father in Heaven has in you. He knows that you giving birth to a child does not immediately propel you into the circle of the omniscient. If you and your husband will strive to love God and live the gospel yourselves; if you will plead for that guidance and comfort of the Holy Spirit promised to the faithful; if you will go to the temple to both make and claim the promises of the most sacred covenants a woman or man can make  in this world; if you will show others, including your children, the same caring, compassionate, forgiving heart you want heaven to show you; if you try your best to be the best parent you can be, you will have done all that a human being can do and all that God expects you to do."
I don't know about you, but that makes me feel that I'm doing alright. I might not be perfect, but I'm doing alright. 

Sad Hudson

I'm sitting on the couch and listening to my sweet boy talk and giggle to himself next to me. He really is the greatest. Yesterday was a little bit of a rough day. I think he is just starting to teethe or something because he is drooling like crazy, chewing on his hands, blankets, and anything else he can get his hands on, and fussing which is not something that boy has done very much of thus far. Yesterday around 10:30 he just started to cry. Actually that's an understatement, he started to scream! It was the red in the face and tears rolling down his cheeks scream. It was the 'Now your Mom is going to cry with you because it hurts me to see you this sad' scream. Nick and I tried everything we normally do to soothe him but it was just not cutting it. So finally after about an hour I grabbed our teether from the fridge and let him chew on it. He immediately calmed down. Ah, I could breathe again. That didn't last too long so I decided to breastfeed him. He wasn't having that either. Which made me even more sad because breastfeeding him always helps when nothing else will. Finally Nick, being the rockstar Dad that he is, got him to calm down. How you ask? Letting him stand in front of the mirror. Seriously, He LOVES it! Don't believe me? Just check this out!

I don't know if baby smiles get much cuter than that. Looks like one happy boy to me!

So so happy that today has been a whole different story than yesterday. Nick has been up on base all day and Hudson has been a happy little guy with me. Not much of a napper but I'll take a happy sleepy baby over a sad one any day! :)

And here's a few (okay a lot) of pictures from this week!

We bought Hudson a Bumbo to help him sit up a little better and he is rocking it! At first he wasn't much of a fan but he is liking it more and more :)

This happens every morning. The second I unswaddle him he does the biggest stretch possible and a big ol' smile. No matter how tired I feel, waking up to this sweet boy is 100% worth it!

My favorite! He now sits on the counter with me while I get ready for the day. I love that he get's to be with me and I'm not just leaving him in his bassinet by himself and ignoring him for an hour. I get to play with him and make him smile while I get ready which is awesome.

A lot of his smiles include that little tongue lately. How cute is that!?

Some more morning smiles from my main man 

Another plus of the Bumbo? I have someone to help me bake cookies for Dad!

We send about a million pictures a day to Nick while he is at work. This is one of them. Those big eyes of his just make me melt!

This NEVER happens but looks like all the playing with his Momma wore him right out! 

Scott, Sarah, and Adi came over for dinner last week and we had so much fun with them, as always! Adi kept taking Hudson's binky out, giving it to Nick, then taking it back, and putting it back in Hudson's mouth. Buddies already!

Handsome boy in some shoes! They were a little tight and didn't last too long, but I had to snap a picture. I was surprised that he didn't mind having them on one bit. 

We LOVE bath time at our house. It only takes a few minutes to get him clean but he loves to soak and soak as long as I will let him. Usually until the water starts to get cold :)

I didn't spike up Hudson's hair the other day and he looked so much older to me! I think I'll stick to the spikey hair for now :)

Hudson loves Miss Mollie!

Watching some sports with Daddy

I laid him on the couch next to me all swaddled up and fast asleep. After an hour and a half nap this is what was left. He's still totally asleep in this picture. I guess his legs were too hot?

Hudson hanging out at Nana and PopPop's house. Lovely face in the background Nick!

Okay this was the FUNNIEST! Hudson woke up from his nap and I went to get him out of his room. He ended up falling right back to sleep in my arms so I carefully handed him of to my Mom's arms cause hello, she loves that little guy and would hold him every second of every day if it were possible :)  So he slept in her arms for a while and when he woke up this was the look he gave her for a full 60 seconds. I think he was expecting my face and was so confused. Shortly after this he started to cry and cry but once she handed him to me he calmed right down. It feels so good to have someone that needs me so much. 

Drool/spitup on a beautiful Thursday morning. The night after I'd just washed the sheets :) His face says it all!

Look at Nick and Hudson. Seriously, TWINS ANYONE?! Cracks me up!