Time Went Too Fast

Well, the week of getting to be a family came and went way too fast. All the sudden it was Monday. On Monday morning Nick had to go up to the base to get some final paperwork signed and everything in order for him to be gone. While he did that Hudson and I slept in and lounged around the house. It was the first time since our second night in the hospital that Nick had been away and it made me sad to think how many mornings we would have to do that again after Tuesday. Bummer. I kept sending him pictures all morning of little H though so he wouldn't have to miss him too much :)

Nick got home that afternoon and we hung out for a while at home then decided we would go out for one last dinner as a family together. Nick picked Chubbys, no surprise, and we headed out. I used my Moby wrap again which I LOVE (I owe my cousin Jess bigtime for letting me borrow that instead of having to pay for one!)

After dinner we came home, got ready for bed, and crawled in bed as a little family by 9:45. We laid there and talked and cried and cuddled and cried a little more. We have been so crazy busy with little Hudson that it felt nice to put him in his bassinet and be close to Nick for a little while before we fell asleep. I'm such a lucky girl to have two amazing boys next to me. 

The next morning was one of the hardest days I have had in a long long long time. We woke up at 5 to shower and get ready to go. I fed Hudson and changed him while Nick showered and shaved. Once he was ready to go I handed Hudson off and went into the bathroom to get ready. 

When I came out of the bathroom what I saw broke my heart. For anyone that knows Nick knows that he is not a crier. Ever. When I walked out he was sitting on the bed with Hudson's face next to his and he was just crying. I walked over and hugged the both of them and told him we are going to get through this. It's going to be hard but his son knows how much he loves him. Nick made me promise I would kiss him everyday for him and tell him his Daddy loves him every night before he goes to bed. We sat there for a little longer then walked out to the family to load the carseat and his bags in the car. My mom rode up with us to kinda keep me from loosing it completely on the way home and to take pictures at the airport.

I held Nick's hand so tight the whole ride up there and fought back the tears. Once we pulled up I got Hudson out of the carseat and handed him to Nick. Nick cuddled him in the backseat and cried and I lost it standing there on the sidewalk watching him. After a little bit he handed him to me, got out of the car. and wrapped his arms around the both of us. I didn't know my heart could hurt so much. I felt so sick to my stomach for Nick thinking of everything he is going to miss. 

I put Hudson back in his carseat, Nick walked me to the door, kissed me, closed my car door, and walked away. I composed myself enough to drive out of the terminals and by the time we hit the freeway I had kinda recovered. We got back home around 7:30 and I sat on the couch with little Hudson. My mom sat with us for a little while. After about a half hour I told my Mom I was so grateful for her going with us this morning but that I just wanted to be alone with Hudson for a little while and rest. I said goodbye to her and she said she'd be back a little later on in the afternoon. I took him into our room, fed him, bawled my eyes out for a while, and we finally fell asleep after a little while. He slept with me for 3 and a half lovely hours. 

I woke up feeling a whole lot better. I cleaned up the house a little with Hudson in my awesome Moby wrap . By this time Nick had landed in San Antonio and he called me from the airport. He was going to eat lunch with the guys he flew out of Utah with that were also going to BMT. He ate with them then called me back before he headed to the base. I sent him a few pictures during lunch time and probably went a little overboard but I just couldn't help it! He wasn't going to be able to get pictures immediately for months!

We got a phone call from him saying that he was about to have to surrender his phone and get on the bus for the base. I cried again. I just wanted to remember his voice. He told me again how good of a mom I am and how he knows I can do this. Here he was telling me to be strong when it was him stepping into the unknown. I told him to remember when it gets hard how much support he has behind him and how much he's loved by Hudson and I. I told him to remember that it might seem like it but he wont be there forever. It was only 9 weeks and he could do it. I told him I was proud of him and how much I love him. Then we had to say goodbye. We did get another quick phone call from him on base with his CO standing next to him monitoring what he said. He said he made it safe and that he would talk to me in a few days. And that was that. 

It was pretty definite but I was surprised It wasn't harder for me. I teared up but just then Hudson was ready to eat and I was distracted from my hurting heart. Mollie stopped by and brought an adorable Willow Creek figurine for me that is now sitting on our dining room table. It makes me smile and feel loved whenever I see it. 

At 6:00 my friends from work started to show up. They had talked to me about coming over the week before when I was in the hospital and Nick told me I had to let them come over. He was worried I would seclude myself and not let people help me when I needed it. He knows me too well. So Brooke, Kristen, Paige, and Melissa came over with Cafe Rio and treats in hand. How awesome are they? We talked and laughed and passed little Hudson around until it was time for most of them to leave around 9:30. Brooke didn't have to go so we parked on the couch and watched Safe Haven. I have been wanting to watch it since I read the book in February but just never got around to it. It was good but I definitely liked the book more. Also, the movie, being a love story, made me tear up a little. After the movie ended around midnight it was time for Huddy and I to get to bed. That was when it hit me. My Nick was gone. There wasn't going to be anyone on the other half of my bed to kiss me goodnight and make me warm. There wasn't going to be anyone to burp Hudson in the middle of the night while I pumped after breastfeeding. There wasn't going to be anyone to kiss me in the morning to wake me up. I completely fell apart. I fell apart and held my little guy closer. I'm so incredibly grateful to have him. I know having him here has made this whole situation harder in some ways, but is making my life complete and so much happier in others. I finished getting ready for bed with Hudson in my arms and crawled in bed. At this point I was crying so hard I was shaking. Just then my Dad texted me and asked if he could call. I told him I was crying too hard he probably wouldn't be able to understand me. He texted me back and told me he understands sniffles and gave me a call. I cried to him for a while and he talked me down. No one can replace Nick, but it sure helps to have my Dad to lean on while he is gone. I lucked out with a great Dad, an incredible husband, and now a sweet baby boy. Gosh I'm blessed.

After getting off the phone I wrote Nick a letter, at the suggestion of my Dad. If I couldn't call him at least I could write him a letter and 'talk' to him in my own little way. He told me to just number my letters and mail them together when I get his address. I thought I would get it in the phone call he made to me yesterday but no such luck. Hopefully he can give it to me when we talk on Sunday. I can't wait for that phone call! I guess that their CO's can take away the phone call for the group since it is a privilege but I hope hope hope that his squadron does great and that doesn't happen. Here's hoping for a conversation on Sunday!